What I would like to think of as new beginnings...

You know all those commercials you see for the "if you've ever taken -insert drug name- and experience(d) -insert bad/deadly side effect- then call this number now!"? That has ALWAYS been a big fear for me. Being put on a drug that later down in life has an even worse effect, I mean. And now Im at a crossroads in life. I have to decide whether or not to go on a medicine that could cause potentially very harmful, even deadly, side effects. I dont know what to do!

Let me back up a little bit. I have posted before about having psoriasis. I know that it flares in the summer time. Well, its coming into that time of year and I've never felt worse. This is a real disease, people. One I cant help or control. Its not about bad hygiene or not taking care of yourself. Perfectly healthy people get it too. Did you know that up to 7.5 million people in the US have psoriasis? Yeah, I bet you didnt. But anyways... A few days ago I decided enough is enough. All the other stuff my doctor and I had tried didnt work. So, I went and saw a dermatologist. She has informed me that I have psoriatic arthritis (a form of arthritis, hence the name) and suggested I go on a biologic medicine called Humira. This will be by pen injection. Scary sounding, huh? Thats not even the scary part! This medicine has these side effects listed:


HUMIRA can cause serious side effects, including:

• Serious infections. These include TB and infections caused by viruses, fungi, or bacteria. Symptoms related to TB include a cough, low-grade fever, weight loss, or loss of body fat and muscle.
• Hepatitis B infection in carriers of the virus. Symptoms include muscle aches, feeling very tired, dark urine, skin or eyes that look yellow, little or no appetite, vomiting, clay-colored bowel movements, fever, chills, stomach discomfort, and skin rash.
• Allergic reactions. Symptoms of a serious allergic reaction include hives, trouble breathing, and swelling of your face, eyes, lips, or mouth.
• Nervous system problems. Signs and symptoms include numbness or tingling, problems with your vision, weakness in your arms or legs, and dizziness.
• Blood problems. Symptoms include a fever that does not go away, bruising or bleeding very easily, or looking very pale.
• Heart failure (new or worsening). Symptoms include shortness of breath, swelling of your ankles or feet, and sudden weight gain.
• Immune reactions including a lupus-like syndrome. Symptoms include chest discomfort or pain that does not go away, shortness of breath, joint pain, or rash on your cheeks or arms that gets worse in the sun.
• Liver problems. Symptoms include feeling very tired, skin or eyes that look yellow, poor appetite or vomiting, and pain on the right side of your stomach (abdomen).
• Psoriasis (new or worsening). Symptoms include red scaly patches or raised bumps that are filled with pus.

So there you have it. Im petrified of making the wrong decision, whichever way I go. My dermatologist seemed very knowledgeable about the medicine and answered any questions we (Aaron was with me) had. The medicine has been approved by the FDA since 2002 and has been used for psoriasis/psoriatic arthritis since 2005. Plus, there are only two other biologic medicines like Humira out, and they ALL run the same risk of side effects. So I guess it doesnt really matter which one I pick, eh? I dont know, I guess its just such a huge decision that its stressing me out. Oh, I forgot to mention that pre-insurance the monthly supply sits around $3000. Thankfully we have BCBS and it will only be $5 a month for me. I would take it twice a month. But thats all I have for tonight... guess I'll post closer to the receive date (this coming wednesday, btw) and tell whether I decided to go on it. Thanks for reading!

My opinion on welfare... and other things.

Before I start, I do not care who this pisses off. It is MY opinion and I am entitled to it (thanks to people like my husband, family members, best friend's hubby, etc -- I.E. military)

Ok, so as many of you know, I got back into the convenience store line of work. My stores accept food stamps, and there are a LOT of people in Enid on food stamps. I have no problem with people being on food stamps in general, and I realize there's an exception to every rule. What I do have a problem is when you buy junk food (candy or chips for example) for you and/or your kids and then turn right around in a separate transaction and buy cigarettes or alcohol. I literally had a guy tell me the other night "I cant believe the government wont supply my nicotine or alcohol"... yes, he was drunk, but really dude?! REALLY?! I flat out told him that "I dont pay taxes to support your bad habits". Our receipts show how much each person has left on their access cards, and you wont believe how many are almost out of food stamps money only half way into the month. Some of these people just straight up amaze me.. and not in the good way. Somehow my husband and I manage to eat every day and we too live paycheck to paycheck. Im talking going to the grocery store, stocking up on real food for two weeks kind of eating. Its very tight, but we do it with no help from the government. So I think if you can afford your daily beer or pack of cigarettes, then you can afford to lose some of your government supplement. Again, this is all entirely personal opinion and I know that its like being in the military.. the good guys get a bad rep. I know there are people out there that honestly need the help and I hate that the people who abuse the system give you a bad rep.


Another thing that set me off tonight is that a certain store manager (no, I wont name who) came thru my store tonight... having been drinking AND was driving. This pisses me off beyond any words. You're supposed to set an example for your employees. You're supposed to be a fucking role model. If I had been back home at my old store, I'd have called the cops on your ass without any hesitation. But circumstances in my life now prevented me from doing so. You're one lucky bitch, thats all I gotta say. The consequences would have been too great to do it, no matter how much satisfaction I would get out of you being held responsible for your POOR actions. You of all people should know better. I may not like you as a person, but I respected you. I thought you deserved what you had in life, but I was wrong and you disgust me. You could have killed yourself, or even someone else! Ugh. Im just so mad because people like this are in management. It goes back to the YOU'RE A FUCKING LEADER, SO ACT LIKE ONE.


Thus concludes my rant for the evening. If you made it until the end, I thank you for taking your time to read.

My never ending journey

Ok, so my life has been pretty hectic lately. I wont lie. Things with work are on the brink of falling apart and my health suuuuuuuucks. Thankfully, the one thing I don't have at the moment is marriage problems.

It's hard to openly talk about and its embarassing, but let me break it down for you:

I'm overweight, diabetic, have psoriasis in multiple spots, I swear I'm allergic to Oklahoma air (I made a funny), have high blood pressure, and I was recently told I have Diabetic Gastroparesis. Now this latest diagnosis is why I feel like my life is falling apart. It's like there's no light at the end of the freaking tunnel and I can't win! Being overweight is nothing new to me, been that way most of my life and its just how I'm built. No, I'm not saying I'm 100% okay with that but sometimes it's not as easy as just changing your diet and being active. I don't give a rat's ass what anyone says about that one! I would like to eventually lose a little bit of weight, but I actually like having a few extra pounds. Besides, there are plenty of overweight people out there who have/do live very full and HEALTHY lives. Also, being diabetic isn't really anything new to me either. I was diagnosed as pre-diabetic at the young age of 13. I wouldn't say I was in denial (as some family likes to claim), I just didn't care then. I had more important things to care about! Or so I thought... I do wish I had taken it more seriously back then, but I also partially blame the doctors I had for where I'm at today. Just to have it said though, I do not put full blame on the doctors. I don't discredit some of their attempts to try to make me understand how serious diabeties is, but they just didn't show me enough of how serious it was. Enough to get through this thick noggin of mine! They took basic common knowledge of the risks that come with having diabeties, but I just feel they should have done more. I mean sure, who WANTS to lose a limb and is okay with the idea? I'm surely not, but its something you can live without. There are far worse complications than being without a limb, in my opinion. If they had told me then that I could have the things I have today (mostly the gastroparesis), I would have taken it more seriously. For those of you that know nothing about D.G., it involves a lot of vomiting, heartburn, erratic sugar levels, and among other things. Diabetics run a high risk of nerve damage, called neuropathy. D.G. occurs when there is damage to the vagus nerve, which is responsible for the emptying of your stomach in the digestion process. If there is damage to this nerve then your digestion of food becomes "sluggish" or stops altogether, causing the food to build up and/or come back up. In my case, its the latter because of the severity of it. This doesn't occur every time I eat (luckily), but when it does start happening it gets to the point that I can't keep liquids or solids down and then Im vomiting for days. I can't even begin to explain how miserable that is! Hence the work trouble. The last couple of months I have had to call out, go in late, or rearrange days of work a LOT. I'm so lucky and appreciative that my boss hasn't let me go yet! Aaron and I are in the process of discussing our options, one of which includes me taking time off from working to fully concentrate on my health. It seems that no matter how hard I try to make progress on getting things under control, I end up taking 4 steps backwards. Something else is always popping up. I feel so so anxious all the time, like I'm-about-to-have-a-stroke kind of anxious. And angry... boy do I feel angry. I'm a good person and I have my faults, but I just don't deserve most of this, and certainly not all at one time. You always hear that saying "bad things happen to good people" and always wonder why. Well, I'd love an answer to that right about now. Now I know some of you are thinking that I did this to myself, that I have no one else to blame, and thats probably mostly true. However, that doesn't make it any easier to go through/deal with and support is always in need. I also know that typing this up make come off as a little pointless, but its an outlet for me to vent, to let it all out. Also, I think part of me wants to raise awareness in my own small way? Maybe some of you reading this know people in similar situations or going through the same things as I am? You could now possibly have a slightly better understanding for it. I don't know if that makes sense to y'all, but it makes sense to me.

I'll sign off with this: Again, this is my place to express myself. I'm not looking for harsh words or criticism. I'm looking for either silent understanding or supportive words. Basically, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Thanks for taking your time to read this!

-Amanda

To be continued.....

... dun dun dun.


No, seriously :P. I was going to type up some really heart felt blog and then my ambien kicked in. TTFN!